I've had a harsh life, a cursed life I feel
Yes, I know it's no excuse....
...for what I've done...

I was born a boy, I admit...
Bu I always felt...different...
Didn't know 'til I was 19....why...

Growing up I loved animals
It's all I can remember...
Maybe that's how this all started...

I was three, or four, I can't remember....
When I cornered a stray cat I had brought home
...for my mom to take care of...
Little did I expect...
...the cat didn't want attention.
And forever blinded me in my left eye, thus.

I started pre-school...
...as the only kid with glasses...
...a memory in my mind of...
...a birthday or christmas that I was unable to see...

I made no friends as I was an outcast...
...until one day in first grade...
...when this kid named Mark...
...became my only friend...

Quickly I gained friends...
...only thanks to my first...
One day however...
...he moved away...
...and his mom didn't want...
...us talking anymore...

I lost many friends after that...
...having a bare minimum through...
...the end of elementary school...
...and the beginning of middle...

I gained a few more friends...
...my freshman year...
...but whom obviously...
...didn't see me as theirs...

I was often picked on, more so then...
...in the four years in high school...
...when kids are the harshest I feel...

I got into fights, too many to count...
...nearly hospitalizing one kid...
...one winter who threw a ball of ice...
...at my throat...

I only saw red when I pummeled him hard...
...and then I realized something was really wrong...
...with my head...

Prom and graduation went and gone...
...I never went to either...
...since friends, I had none...
Over those few years, those I had...
...left, or backstabbed me...or...
...never really saw me as a friend...

Then, when I was 19...
...a girl from Great Britain...
...e-mailed me and say I was cute...
...a relationship, my first...
...then ensued...

Nearly a year later, she sent me another...
...e-mail saying that it was over...
...why? Cause apparently I was a girl...

This caught be by surprise....
..."What did she mean?"
..."Was I a girl?"
...I didn't understand...

I later looked it up...
...remembering that since I was 10...
...I had dreams, where in them...
...I had been turned into a girl...
...and forced to live like that...

I later learned that I was transsexual...
...feeling like a freak of nature...

I had to hide this secret from family...
...until one day, that same girl...
...came back into my life...
...and ruined everything...

My brother found out first...
...then my mom, and my step-dad...
...my cousins and aunt...
...and now co-workers...

After that first relationship...
...so hurt and betrayed...
...I learned she was married...
...or so she told me...

I did no better after that...
...cheating on others...
...that loved me...
Not wanting to let close...
...anybody to my heart...

Then one day a nice guy I met...
...can't remember the details...
...but I can never forget...
...his utter kindness to me...
...despite my warnings...
...he fell in love with me...
...yet I broke that heart of his...

Now I feel a pain...
...one I caused myself...
...not a physical one...
...but a pain nonetheless...

I can't commit suicide...
...too gutless to try...
...but I can do one thing...
...and that's kill a part of myself...
...in the sense of pushing it so far...
...that even I shall forget...

I'll cover my heart in ice...
...never let anyone in...
...put myself into exile...
...so no temptation can exist...